he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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