my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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