you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
