he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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