Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
