I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
