She is in my trunk
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
