Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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