Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
