I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
