I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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