You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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