i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize