I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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