I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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