This is not my ceiling
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
