My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
