I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
