Everything about him screamed your future.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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