He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
