found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
