I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
