Moan for me like Helen Keller
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
my liver is dry heaving
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
