i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
