I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
