any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Bang-toberfest begins!!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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