I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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