I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
