When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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