Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
