I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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