If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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