U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
