"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
