Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
