There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
