At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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