My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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