Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
