Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
