his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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