booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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