If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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