All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
