Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
