if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
