I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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