You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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