Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize