Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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