i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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