remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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