i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
