I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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