Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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