I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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