You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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