I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
she pinky promised me she was 18
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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