I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
